Best Behavior

"Remember, kids, we have to be on our best behavior."  

It's a phrase I utter quite often.  Because, despite my training in child development and parent education, I'm a normal mom with normal kids who behave in normal ways.  I like to think of my kiddos as...

One bosses takes the lead, while the other wreaks havoc gets into innocent mischief.  Together they're a lovable force to be reckoned with--even for this mommy!

Often when talking with other parents and educators, the most frequent questions that arise pertain to applying discipline techniques.  What behaviors are expected in "kids just being kids"?  When are misbehaviors a cause for deeper concern?  And, probably most importantly, What should I do when my kid misbehaves?    

Years ago when reading The Parent's Handbook, a phrase stuck with me that I continue to use as my personal and professional philosophy for how to approach childhood discipline:  

"We discipline our children to teach them self-discipline."

We discipline our children so that they become more and more self-disciplined as they mature.  Discipline is not intended to punish, hurt, or try to embarrass our children.  We don't want to instill fear in our kids -- we want to teach them to respect us, themselves, and others.  

Teaching children to become self-disciplined is a process that takes a fair amount of consistency and patience.  Below are a few suggestions for approaching discipline using Narrative Parenting techniques:

1. Pick your battles wisely.  When it comes to discipline, I try to pick my battles wisely.  There are a few non-negotiables in our house.  (Namely, fighting with one another, hurting or putting yourself or someone else in danger, and blatantly disobeying or back-talking).  For "minor offenses," I'll give a small verbal warning or a non-verbal eye glance.  For other things, I make sure my kids clearly know my expectations.  By focusing on a few clear rules at a time, the minor things tend to resolve themselves. 
2. Don't be a bluffer.  If you issue a warning, be sure the consequence will be carried out.  Kids know when you're bluffing.  Make sure the consequence for a misbehavior is explained clearly.  And if you say no TV, no video games, no going over to a friend's house -- stick with it, offering reminders as needed.  
3. Set timers.  My timer on my microwave has become one of my greatest allies.  I set it for time out periods or if I'm trying to get my kids to do something quickly (like pick up their toys).  It helps to establish limits and clear boundaries.  "I'm giving you 5 minutes to pick up your toys in the living room if you want to go outside to play." 
4. Debrief after any applied consequence.  If I set a "time-out" timer (or if a kiddo has to go to his/her room for a "chill out" session), we always talk afterwards about why it was they got in trouble.  I have them explain in their words what they did, issue apologies when necessary, and we talk about what we can do better next time. 
5. Offer second chances.  Any time my son or daughter gets in trouble, I try to remind them mommy loves them very much, I just didn't like that particular action.  I give hugs.  And kisses.  And do-overs.  And when I lose my cool (because sometimes I respond impatiently and raise my voice in anger or frustration too), I ask for their forgiveness.  "Mommy is sorry for yelling.  I shouldn't have gotten so mad.  But do you understand why it's important that we don't do X, Y, or Z?  Because someone could have really gotten hurt."

Thought for today:  Parenting is tough.  I get it.  And believe me, every time I think I have some aspect of parenting figured out, my kids prove me wrong.  I often joke that they've intercepted my playbook and can anticipate my parenting moves before I make them.  My challenge for you today is to pay attention to how you narrate discipline in you house.  Do you sound like a broken record?  Do you yell or respond impatiently?  Do you talk with your kids after applying a consequence?  Focus on being a narrative parent.  The more self-disciplined we can become as we discipline our kids -- the easier it'll be for them to learn from our example.

Practicing What I Preach:  Recently we got a new puppy.  And as several people forewarned, it's like having a toddler in our house all over again.  As we're working to train our puppy not to bite, destroy things around the house, and potty inside, I'm constantly reminded of the patience and consistency it took when first beginning to discipline my children.  To firmly (but in a gentle and loving way) explain our house rules.  Over and over and over using reasoning and redirection.  Now, eventually we could reason with our kids.  The dog, not so much... But I find myself using a narrative parenting approach with her as well.  "No, Belle, we don't bite mommy's pants.  Here, chew on your toy instead."  (As I pry open her firm grip on my hemline and redirect her to her ball.)  It's a simple analogy, but the same approach can be applied to childhood discipline.  Explain to your child what shouldn't be done and why, and then redirect the child to something that is appropriate.  Eventually, your kiddos will catch on.  Fingers crossed our puppy will too! :)